Can't believe it's Thanksgiving 2009. Seems like we were just in the midst of summer. The Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season can bring many family celebrations, and for many, stress. Don't worry. You are not alone. If you think you are the only one that gets a knot in your stomach going to family gatherings, think again.
I was listening to Washington, DC's WTOP news radio station yesterday. They had a forty-second interview with a psychologist on how to deal with family stress during the holidays. In particular, the kind of stress you get when you see a family member that picks at you, or is overly negative. Or that one relative whose personality just rubs you the wrong way.
I understand the "picking" they are talking about. It happens when you become the center of an unwanted conversation. For me, that topic is the "When are you going to have kids?" conversation. There is nothing I say that satisfies my relatives. I have often thought of responses that would make them stop asking like, "I can't," but that is not true. Fact is, my husband and I do not feel the need to have kids and this drives some of my relatives insane.
One of the coping mechanisms the psychologist gave was taking a walk, away from the crowd, when you feel uncomfortable or annoyed. Or not getting into arguments, because it would just make future family functions unpleasant and not really solve anything at the moment anyway. As he put it--it's highly unlikely that anything you say will make a difference in how someone else acts. He's right.
The coping mechanism I thought hilarious was "sitting by yourself in a dark room." Gosh, that sounds completely depressing. I picture myself taking to a dark room, with only my thoughts, after a round of, "When are you going to have kids?" Seems like if I wanted to sit in a dark room by myself, I wouldn't have come to the family celebration.
My personal favorite coping mechanism is humor. Can't leave home without my sense of humor. And thank God my husband is the same...and has a memory that puts anyone else's to shame. We look at the annoyances, or the annoying, of our families us comedy material. When you have that braggart in the family that just can't shut up about their accomplishments, they are all noted and brought back later in the James and Chris Ann Theater.
I'd rather laugh than be annoyed any day of the week. So today, if we face any unwanted annoyances, James' mental tape recorder will be on, I'll remember what I can, and we'll laugh in a more appropriate setting---the comfort of our own home.
Chris Ann Cleland, Associate Broker- Licensed in Virginia, GRI, SFR, Northern Virginia Short Sale Specialist. Affiliated with Long & Foster, 7526 Limestone Drive, Gainesville, VA 20155. To contact Chris Ann, call 703-402-0037 or email chrisann@LNF.com. Or you can visit her website: www.nvarealestate.net.
Header is a combination of photos from the Bristow, Gainesville & Haymarket areas, taken by Chris Ann Cleland.
YES - We do need a coping mechanism! Why do you think I'm on the computer instead of working on dinner which is to be served in 1/2 hours! I need a time out:-)
Hi Chris Ann...
Well, it's just a few times a year, so coping and smiling is the best way to handle the unwanted questions!
Hi Chris Ann,
I'm with Ricard: it's only a few times of the year so coping and smiling is the best way to handle the unwanted questions!
Thanks for the ideas, wish I had them earlier today.
Good ideas here today. Happy Holiday season to you and yours!
I think that do your own thing and stay happy and let the family do what they want to do.
Patricia/Seacoast NH
Sitting in a dark room to cope? No way, our family in the old days just resorted to what was known as the "Holiday Hollering"! :-0
Oh Chris Ann, have I not taught you anything? Next time when that annoying relative says, "pass the rolls", take one out and throw it across the table. There's your coping mechanism. Just tell them it was an involuntary movement because of the meds you are on. Yes, I've done it and it stuns them because they didn't expect the unexpected.
Hi Chris Ann:
I'm with you, humor is the best way to cope...
Afterall the quote is, Humor is the BEST medicine...
Today it is a dark room where I'm sitting (or reclining). I have a nasty cold (NOPE . . . not Swine Flu), but have no energy. Can't bring my 'blah' to the party, so it's the dark room where I am today!
Gary: Wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated this year, though there were still some annoyances.
Myrl: It's funny to what family dynamics and see the different coping skills.
Richard: I agree, and luckily, I think they are finally getting the hint. They only asked once tonight.
Dorie: Wine helps too.
Christa: But you'll have them for the next gathering (it's inevitable, you know.)
Patricia: The old "live and let live." I wish you were in my family!
Oh I remember the days of being the target os the "So when are ya gonna have kids" attacks at family holiday functions! Glad I have one and am too old to have more! lol! Today was delightful! I had fun!!!
Russell: That would be a sight. The dark room things sounded creepy to me.
Jackie: Someone needs to roll tape you on during the holidays. I would love to see the replay of that move!
Toula: I would be nothing without a sense of humor.
Carla: Sorry to hear that you were under the weather today. Hope you got your much needed rest. I can feel something coming on too, but hasn't got hold yet. Maybe I can fight it off.
My wife and I finally got the system down. We alternate families. Hers on T-Day and mine on C-Day. The following year we switch it around.
This way we only have to see the relatives once a year.
My dad told me that "you don't marry the relatives" so if that's the case, I try to minimize my exposure.
Happy Thanksgiving to you my friend. The question of why I never had any kids never has come up in holiday gatherings thankfully, but several of my married friends think I would be better off with a man in my life and that for me ranks right up there with why don't you have any children. It is something I don't want that's why. I guess for married folks or people with kids can't understand why you don't want the same thing. I am happy with my life. Kids and a husband wouldn't necessarily improve that. Actually for me that would be a lot worse.
Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful. <SMILE>
As long as you do not put it on YouTube, lol. :)
I think the humor goes a long way. I'd rather do that than sit in a dark room. It helps to have a little alcohol in the mix. Not too much. Just enough to make everyone a little giddy. We usually put it in the cranberry sauce! ;-)
Oh family, arent they just wonderful. I dreaded today, but after I got there it wasnt so bad....thankfully. Ready for bed now!
Chris, sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. It sounds like you have a couple of good destressers to work with.
Chris Ann:
The only person who ever really respected my decision not to have children was my mother. I'm not sure why - maybe it was because the four of us were such a handful. I don't know why more people do not understand that not everyone is cut out to be a parent.
I hope you and your husband had a wonderful day, just enjoying each other. That's what we did.
'Great family photo.
Larry: That's a good strategy. I like it.
Sharon: In a weird way, they have our best interests at heart. They are happy and want us to be like them. It's not a one size fits all deal.
Jackie: I wouldnt' know how, but that's probably where it belongs!
Anthony: I enjoyed a couple glasses of wine yesterday. It helped.
Trisha: That's another coping mechanism.....if you go in totally dreading it, you are bound to be pleasantly surpised.
Guy: And relatives my own age that understand the frustrations of dealing with certain family members.
Claudette: Thanks for the compliment on the photo. That's my Mom in the middle. My Mom also says she respects my decision, but then yesterday at Thanksgiving, starts talking to another relative about how badly she wants to be a Grandmother, which inevitably turned into that relative asking about "when" that was going to happen. Ugh!
I must be one of the lucky ones in that I don't really have family gatherings that are tense but I know many who do. For me, if the conversations do get dicy - there are enough people that I can just excuse myself and go to another room or conversation. What is tense for me is having to decide where to go, who to have - my family??? His family??? Both families??? Did we go to Ralph's family last year - or was it my daughters or my sisters? Should I go to my sisters pre-Christmas Eve gathering, or to the neighbors, or sister-in-law or have my own? Or maybe I should stay home this year but will my sisters be insulted, Will Ralph's family feel left out!!! I have struggled with this since my girls were babies (oldest is 35) and I love love love having family/friend gatherings, I just want to stay home!!!! I want to be able to do the Christmasy things in my home town without the guilt of saying no to everyone else. Not that they really impose the guilt, it is me, but when I hear " awwwww, I was really hoping you would come" - I cave. I have come to really dislike Christmas which bothers me because I used to love it so much. Maybe having a pre-holiday point blank conversation with the offending family members, stating just what is and will or won't be, and adding that you don't want to be asked "when or if" again and especially not at a holiday gathering would help. The hoiday season is long - starts in September it seems, but Christmas day is only 24 hours long and trying to figure out how to satisfy everyone isn't easy and every year I whine about it but in the end, I am just so thankful that I have such wonderful family and friends that it ends up being a non issue!
This was our first Thansgiving after the death of our Mom at the end of last year. Now with both parents gone is was going to be a difficult navagation through an emotional mindefield. We handles it by changing up the routine, and also not ignoring the loss. There is lots to be Thankful for, especially the newborn from my niece. That was a great way to focus on the idea that renewal can exist with loss in the natural scheme of things.
Diana: I think if you were honest with everyone in your family, and told them that it would mean a great deal to host a Christmas, they would be happy to attend. Your family sounds very nice.
Joe: I remember the first Thanksgiving and Christmas after the loss of my Dad. Very strange. I lost him in January, so we had time to adjust to the loss, but the holidays seemed to make it a fresh wound. Sounds like you found the positive in Thanksgiving yesterday. I am so glad you did.
Well Chris Ann, when I had my daughter I was constantly asked, "So when are going to have another baby?" We only wanted one child and I told whoever asked just that fact which led to more ramblings why one shouldn't have only one child. So it seems it never ends......
I have friends who decided not have children and would never think of asking them why. Love the photo too!
Chris Ann - so when ARE you going to have kids (LOL) Consider saying: I may be tonight - film at 11:00. OR - I'm feeling a little flutter in my stomach right now ... maybe I am already pregnant ... or maybe I am just feeling sick of being asked over and over and over again ... when am I having kids ... please ... I love all of you ... it's none of your business.
Cynthia: I guess having been there, you understand why it is uncomfortable to ask. It turns into someone trying to convince you to do something you don't want to do.
Kathleen: I thought about saying, "Oh we had one last week, just decided to leave it at home." There are so many responses I could give, but what's the point. Ultimately, I know my family wants what they think is best for me.
Hi Chris Ann -- I am forever amazed at how people (family and acquaintances alike) feel like they have the inalienable right to ask you the most personal of questions. My wife and I didn't have kids until we were married for 7 years and we used to get asked that question a lot. Being short on patience, I told family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors by looking them dead in the eye and said this is a very personal question and I don't appreciate you asking me this question and then I would be silent and continue to stare them in the eye until they felt so uncomfortable and like a heel, it never came up again. I wasn't mean or rude, just direct. It annoyed me to no end.
Same thing with selling our home, neighbors who we didn't even know would come up and ask: why are you moving? where, etc.? I would tell them the exact same answer.
I am dumbfounded by the lack of tact in our society. One would think that if one really wanted someone to know something, they would tell them.
We have our own family theatre fodder after major events as well, and I'm sure we are on the receiving end of other family member's as well (we tend to think not but that is probably a myopic view).
Our familiy is living 1000s miles away from us, so I guess we don't have to deal with those situation too often. They "bother" us with the question over the phone or skype.
Chris, here's my all time best "family picking" story. My sister knows I struggle with my weight. She often encourages me to have more when she knows I shouldn't but the meanest thing she ever said to me was "You look so much better this season, since you gained some weight."
Chris Ann... I kind of like the idea of shutting myself in a dark room away from the PICKING. Does that make me anti-social?
to Marian above... a bit ago I lost a lot of weight but was trying not to make a big deal out of it. Everyone kept asking me HOW MUCH I lost and one person said "You look great--did you lose 50 or 60 pounds?" I was horrified. I had lost 20 pounds.
Sitting in a dark room is wierd. Our family copes the old fashioned way -booze. (burp)
I find it very stressful to be interacting with family during the holidays. There are always a million questions that they have for me. I usually set a pre-determined amount of time that I will spend with them, then I head home!!!
This was the first Thanksiving with just my husband and I. Everyone was somewhere else or has died - it was weird. I am really looking forward to my children being home for Christmas and any relatives that want to join in!
Chris: The lack of tact is a huge problem in society. I like the way you combat it. As for being a topic of other's humorous exchanges, it's inevitable. We can't be on everyone's good side. Simply impossible.
Megan & Hanna: That's probably a stress in and of itself..being so far away from family. My brother just relocated back home on the East Coast from the West Coast because the lack of family nearby really bothered him.
Marian: I have a sibling who has the same pick with me, though they do it through the back door. They start bitching about how fat THEY are, when you couldn't pinch an inch if you tried. I remember at one family function I was eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes. He walks in, asks a billion questions about the food I'm eating and then says, "I can't have any of it. The ketchup in the meatloaf is full of carbs and I have to lose weight. I've really become fat." It was at that point I opened my mouth for all to hear and said, "Well, if you're too fat, someone needs to take me out back and shoot me in the head."
Erica: That's an awkward situation for sure, but I probably would have joked it off and made the person that said it feel uncomfortable while I smiled and laughed. As for being antisocial, if this is what you're dealing with, no way are you antisocial.
Scott: Sometimes it's all that you can do.
Emily: I was hoping to be in and out, so to speak. I was feeling under the weather before we left for the gathering, and after dinner I felt worse. But my husband got in a huge conversation with my brother and I was stuck. He wasn't getting my intense stare from across the room saying, "I HAVE to go home. I don't feel well."
Kathleen: I remember the only year my husband and I were alone, was the year I gave myself a second degree burn while getting rolls out of the oven. That hurt for months, and I still have the scar. Much better for me to have someone else cooking. I'm far too accident prone.
A sense of humor about yourself is a valuable trait!